Professor Buttocks
On Wednesday morning, the lecture hall was quieter than usual. Not because the students had suddenly decided to become deeply devoted scholars, but because every single one of them had their head bowed down over a phone screen. If you stepped in unannounced, you would think the university had initiated a new digital prayer service.
Everyone was glued to a phone. One was scrolling Instagram. Another was on TikTok. Another on WhatsApp. Yet another was laughing out loud all by himself at a video he wouldn't even remember three minutes later.
Professor Buttocks walked in quietly. This time he brought no chalk, no tomato, and no cracked mug. He was holding an ancient feature phone equipped with a flashlight—the kind that damages the floor tile if dropped.
Kiboko: "Professor, does that phone of yours have WhatsApp?"
Professor Buttocks: "It doesn't have WhatsApp. It has dignity."
Neema: "Does it have internet?"
Professor Buttocks: "No. That is why I still possess the capacity to think."
The class burst into laughter. However, one student—John Google—didn't laugh. He was still browsing Instagram beneath his desk, pretending to take lecture notes. His thumb was performing far more work than his brain.
The professor slowly walked over to him.
Professor Buttocks: "John, what are you reading?"
John Google: "Notes, Professor."
Professor Buttocks: "Do your notes feature dance challenges?"
John Google: "It is modern education."
Professor Buttocks: "Then today we shall study this modern education. Open your Instagram and play it out loud."
The hall erupted in laughter. John sat there holding his phone like key evidence in a criminal trial.
A Phone Is Called 'Smart' Because It Can Outsmart You
Professor Buttocks stood before the class and wrote on the chalkboard:
The students chuckled, though several began glancing down at their phones with a sudden sense of embarrassment. The professor continued:
"Technology is not the enemy. A phone is not the devil. The internet is not the problem. The problem arises when the device is far smarter than its owner."
He held up his old feature phone.
"This phone of mine is stupid. It can dial, receive calls, send text messages, and turn on a flashlight. It lacks the power to destroy my life. But your phones are smart. They can make you laugh, make you angry, breed envy within you, waste your time, make you admire strangers' lives, and make you despise your own."
The Class of Bowed Heads
The professor instructed the students to place their phones face up on their desks. Some complied quickly. Others surrendered their devices mournfully, as if discharging a child from a hospital ward.
"Look at them," he urged. "These are not mere phones. These are classrooms, marketplaces, amusement parks, offices, churches, courthouses, gossip dens, and at times, tiny portable prisons that you carry around in your pockets."
Kiboko raised his hand.
Kiboko: "Professor, if the phone is a prison, why does the gate require my personal password?"
Professor Buttocks: "Because a modern prisoner is given the keys so they can lock themselves inside."
Laughter rippled across the room once more, but it echoed the tone of Tuesday's session: amusing on the outside, stinging on the inside.
Knowing Everything While Understanding Nothing
The professor wrote four words on the board:
"You live in a generation possessing more information than any era that ever preceded it. You can learn about a person falling down in America before knowing your own neighbor lacks food. You can look up the price of a celebrity's sports car before understanding the cost of building your own life."
Neema inquired, "But Professor, isn't it a good thing to know many things?"
The professor replied, "It is good to know many things if you possess the capacity to filter them. But cluttering your mind with information without analysis is like filling a house with store merchandise without knowing where you actually live."
He pressed on, "Social media has gifted people the ability to speak rapidly, yet stripped away the patience required for slow, deep thinking. Everyone wants to offer an opinion before understanding the subject. That is why someone reads a single headline today and immediately considers themselves an international analyst."
Online Relationships, Offline Loneliness
Professor Buttocks sat on a desk and observed the students.
"You have thousands of followers, yet lack a single genuine person to call when overwhelmed. You accumulate hundreds of likes, yet have no one to sit with in quiet comfort without feeling lonely. You maintain countless chat threads, yet authentic conversation has diminished."
The room went entirely still.
"A person can boast ten thousand followers online, but when hospitalized, only two people show up: their mother and the lender waiting to be repaid."
Kiboko laughed out loud, then cut himself short as the weight of the statement hit home.
The professor continued, "Social platforms brought us closer to distant people, yet at times distanced us from those standing right beside us. Father is at the table, mother is at the table, children are at the table, yet every single person inhabits a separate universe. One house, five separate worlds."
Deeper Insight: Technology itself is not the problem; undisciplined usage is. Social media can educate, connect, and expand opportunities, but when it dominates the human mind, it diminishes deep thought, kills authentic connection, and forces individuals to measure their lives against curated performances.
A Life of Performance, Not Living
The professor asked John Google to read out the last post he had been viewing. John hesitated before admitting it was a photo of someone taking a selfie at a hotel with the caption: “Life is perfect.”
The professor smiled faintly.
"Social media is a showroom. People place their joy at the forefront and hide their sorrows behind the curtain. They display their trips, not their debts. They post their meals, not their hunger. They showcase their smiles, not the tearful nights."
Neema asked, "So should we stop using social media altogether?"
The professor shook his head.
"Use social media. Do not let social media use you. Treat your phone as a tool, not a master. When you go online, ask yourself: Why am I here? To learn? To sell? To communicate? Or am I attempting to escape my own life?"
The Five-Minute Test
Professor Buttocks announced, "Now, we shall take a test."
Groans echoed across the room. The word 'test' has a unique ability to destroy a student's happiness faster than a 'we need to talk' text message.
The professor clarified, "Not a paper test. A digital test. Everyone turn off your phone for five minutes."
Protests erupted immediately.
Kiboko: "Professor, five minutes without a phone? That's digital fasting!"
Professor Buttocks: "Yes. And some of you urgently need deliverance."
John Google: "If I switch off my phone, people will call me."
Professor Buttocks: "If you pass away for five minutes, we shall bury you on a charger."
The students chuckled, but powered off their devices. During the first minute, anxiety hung thick over the hall. Hands fidgeted nervously in pockets. One student stared at his dark screen as if gazing at a friend's grave.
By the third minute, something remarkable occurred. Students began looking around at one another. A few smiled. Others began noticing ambient sounds outside: birds chirping, gentle breeze, distant footsteps—things present all along that had been drowned out while minds were online.
At the five-minute mark, the professor spoke up: "Now do you see? The world did not end. No one lost citizenship. No notification perished from grief."
Professor Buttocks' Principle
The professor wrote on the board:
"Every day ask yourself: Is my phone making me better, or is it making my mind lazy? Does social media offer me wisdom, or does it feed my envy? Does it provide opportunities, or rob me of time? Does it connect me with real people, or hide me behind a screen?"
"An intelligent person doesn't discard a phone; they set boundaries for it. They don't abandon the internet; they choose what to consume within it. Because the mind requires nourishment too. If you feed on foolishness daily, do not be surprised when you begin thinking with leftovers."
Self-Assessment Questions
Does your phone serve you, or do you serve it? Does social media help you learn, or cause you to compare? Do you have real connections outside the screen? Can you sit peacefully for ten minutes without your phone and still feel secure?
End of Lecture Room: Wednesday
When the bell rang, many students didn't reach for their phones immediately. It marked the first time John Google looked out the window for more than ten seconds without taking a picture.
Professor Buttocks slipped his basic feature phone into his pocket.
The class laughed. But John Google wrote a note in his physical notebook instead of typing on his screen:
"My phone is smart. Now I must become smarter than it."
Deeper Message
Wednesday's Lecture Room critiques the undisciplined reliance on smartphones and social platforms. Technology is not inherently harmful, but when it replaces deep thought, authentic dialog, and real-world relationships, it leaves humans with abundant information yet impoverished wisdom. Professor Buttocks reminds us that true progress isn't staying online constantly, but leveraging technology to learn, build, connect, and solve problems.